I’m not gonna lie: yesterday was bad. Really bad.
Last night I had a major depressive episode. I quite literally owe my best friend VDrake my life for talking sense into me. Last night, the foul little voice of my depression came back hard, screaming at me that all was lost until it was all I could hear.
This morning? Well, it’s too early to tell. I don’t exactly feel better, but I feel stronger. Hardened, if just a bit.
I work with words. I’ve been thinking about some of my favorites.
“Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take the sky from me…”
I’m thinking about Firefly. I’m going to watch it again, and try to convince my folks to join me this time. In Joss’s own words, it’s about “living in defeat.” It’s more appropriate than ever now. Good old Captain Mal with his famous rally cry at the end of Serenity: “No more runnin’. I aim to misbehave.”
“Do you hear the people sing? Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
For the wretched of the earth, there is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise!”
I’m thinking about Les Miserables, in particular those words from the finale that never fail to give me chills.
“As long as one heart still holds on
Hope is never really gone
And I hear them saying
You’ll never change things
And no matter what you do, it’s still the same thing
It’s not the world that I am changing
I do this so
This world we know
Never changes me
What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me”
Those are words from a song Garth Brooks wrote after Oklahoma City, his hometown, was bombed by Timothy McVeigh. I will always remember the first time I saw him perform that song on a crappy old TV in a middle school that I hated… it’s the only memory of that place I want to keep. His eyes were like he was looking right into my soul. When he finished, the room that had been making jokes about rednecks and pickup trucks before he came on was stone silent.
Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you
As long as you remember her
You are not alone.”
And those words are from Madoka, the words that I’ll cling to in the coming days.
Those are other people’s words, but they’re words I live by.
Last night was terrible, and at the time I wouldn’t get through it. But now the morning’s here. Now it’s time to stand back up and continue writing my own.
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