Tasakeru

Weeks 3 and 4 – Struggling to Care

I should have known better.

Here I am, in the outskirts of Moneta for the next two weeks (minimum) while our house’s kitchen is being renovated. The leadup to this renovation has basically been about two months of nonstop chaos, stress, distractions, and wholly unnecessary aggravation. So after spending my first night at my family’s lake house, my first night of decent sleep in over a week, I woke up feeling actually refreshed for once, and I thought: “Maybe I can actually relax now.”

That was a mistake. I really should have known better.

I’m not even that upset that my troubles managed to catch up to me even up here. Frankly, I shouldn’t even be surprised. My life since September has felt like a long, unbroken string of one disaster or crisis after another, and life loves nothing more than kicking my ass within hours or minutes of feeling like things are going to be okay. Disaster has become almost routine… so this time, instead of getting truly upset about it, I’m just retreating into general apathy.

I don’t care that my job search has been put on indefinite hold. I don’t care that I’ll likely either have to spend a month or more away from home or go through this whole damned process again in the near future. Why get upset? This is my life now, I best get used to it.

The problem with apathy as a coping mechanism, though, is that it’s so tempting to just stop caring about everything. I’m finding it difficult to muster enthusiasm for the upcoming stuff in my life, as so much of it is closely tied to the things I’m trying desperately to get away from. It’s like I’m following faint lights through a dense fog that threatens to close in at any moment.

So no, I don’t really have any updates on things I’m doing or looking forward to this week. I’m very, very tired.

– BHS

EDIT: Sorry, this was a “vent” entry. I had a lot of anger in my system that I needed to get out, and not all of the above was entirely fair. I’m going to try to be more positive in the coming days.

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