BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 30 – On Being Powerless

Week 30 – On Being Powerless

I seem to have adopted “Don’t think about it” as a survival mantra of sorts. Political horror stories? “Don’t think about it.” The very real possibility of climate change-induced disasters? “Don’t think about it.” My own uncertain future? “Don’t think about it.”
Whether this is a healthy coping mechanism or not, I’ll leave that for you to decide. At this point, though, there’s little choice but to accept how little control I have over most aspects of my life. My financial stability, my health, even my ability to function is subject to change for the worse at a moment’s notice. And realistically, there’s very few things I can do to improve my situation: there’s no one who would hire someone my age and all the baggage that comes with me when there’s millions of able-bodied people younger and far more talented than I am who are waiting in the wings. I could start exercising to get a little healthier… except I’ve tried to do that before many times. It’s never worked; due to my various medical conditions, I get exhausted doing what most people would consider a mild workout. I don’t like being exhausted, or being sweaty. Usually when I make an attempt, I give it up within a couple weeks. My mental health? It’s a toss-up. Whether I feel content and almost normal or like I want to die can shift back and forth in hours if not minutes, and there’s no predicting when a shift is going to happen or what will set it off.
In short, I’m powerless. The only area I have some measure of control over is my internet life, and even that’s tenuous, given that my computer’s aging and it’s only a matter of time before I’ll need a new one. There’s more to worry and stress about than ever, and there seem to be fewer and fewer viable solutions. So rather than try and fail to exert control, I tell myself “Don’t think about it.” I try to let things happen as they happen, and push the rest aside. This, too, shall pass.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: BHS Belated Blogress Report: 2019, Week 29 – Summer 2019 Anime | Tasakeru
  2. Trackback: BHS Belated Blogress Report: 2019, Week 31 – I’m Trying | Tasakeru

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