BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 28 – Malaise

Week 28 – Malaise
I haven’t really felt like myself since a couple days after Drake left. I can blame part of it on the persistent anxiety of my book sales numbers, but much of it is harder to define. It’s a sort listlessness, less depression than a blue funk that I can’t seem to snap out of. Getting Tasakeru published has been occupying my thoughts for most of the last twelve years, and now that it’s done… there’s a big hole left behind. I legit have no idea what to do now. I’m making sales here and there, but not enough to be considered successful. I’ve done nearly everything in my power to get the word out, up to and including braving Twitter and buying ad space on FA. But if the book still doesn’t take off… I’m looking at the failure of my primary plan to get through life. I’ve foregone relationships, job opportunities, and almost my entire social life for the sake of this story; I’m scared that it may not have been worth it. And if it’s not, I don’t really have much else… I’ve never been what anyone would consider popular or charismatic, on the Internet or in real life. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my YouTube and Twitch exploits aren’t going to make money; doing them for fun is as much as I can hope for. Even if I weren’t disabled, I couldn’t get a “real” job, not with the track record and skill set that I have. I accepted years ago that I’m not going to have a romantic partner, and I definitely don’t want children. I’m rapidly approaching middle age, and I’m still… stuck. I still haven’t made my mark on the world, and I feel like I’m running out of possible ways to do it.
I’ve been getting by trying to make the most of each day, enjoying what pleasures I can as they come, and trying not to worry or think too much about the future. I’m blessed that I can live a comfortable, safe, mostly stable existence here, but… I can’t shake the feeling that my time is slipping away. I’m more conscious than ever that what happiness I have in life is incredibly fragile, and it would be all too easy to have it taken away by random chance. Thoughts like that should send me into fits of panic or depression, but instead I just feel… lost. Adrift, and largely disconnected from a world I don’t understand, a world which seems to get scarier and more inexplicable by the day.
I’m sorry this entry is so melancholy, but that’s just the place I’m in right now. I don’t have much confidence in myself or my creative works at the moment, but I’m trying to plug away at them regardless. Hopefully the FA ad works. I’m also going to spend part of the week out of the house for most of the day, petsitting for one of my usual clients. Maybe the change of pace will brighten my mood a bit.


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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 27 – Terrifying Realization | Tasakeru
  2. Trackback: BHS Belated Blogress Report: 2019, Week 29 – Summer 2019 Anime | Tasakeru

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