BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 20 – It Never Fails

Week 20 – It Never Fails

Yup. That two-thirds of a page and two extra Twitch followers are the sum total of the progress I’ve made this week.
No sooner do I let my emotional guard down, no sooner do I start thinking that maybe I can relax and start to hate my life a little less, than another trainwreck hits me… another crisis or crises that spring up out of nowhere and drag me right back down. You could almost set a clock by it, it’s that consistent.
This weekend, it was my monitor. The HDTV I’ve used for the past three years, affectionately known as “ZA BEASTO”, burned out on Saturday. This left me with only my emergency backup monitor, which is wholly inadequate for streaming purposes. And since I’m a stone’s throw away from Affiliate, I absolutely cannot afford to take a week or more off now. So I had to shell out for a new monitor, which set me back by an enormous amount… I’m happy for the upgrade, but much less happy about going into debt. I’ve signed up for a new service called which is supposed to help streamers get paid, so since YouTube will probably never reinstate me and it’ll be a while until I can get anything out of Twitch, this is my best option. Begging for donations is another avenue, but it’s one I’d like to avoid if possible. I may be currently trapped in an endless, godforsaken nightmare loop of anger, self-loathing, anxiety, and depression (not necessarily in that order, or mutually exclusive from one another), but for some reason I still have my pride. Or I like to think I do.
I also discovered that our dog has developed another potentially horrifying health problem, as if we didn’t have enough of those already. I’d elaborate, but due to various circumstances, I’m not exactly sure what’s going on myself. I’ve been assured that she’ll be okay… but part of me knows it’s only a matter of time until the next disaster, and the next, and the next, until it’s something that can’t be fixed. If it’s not my dog, it’s my mother. If it’s not my mother, it’s my best friend. If it’s not my best friend, it’s me. Because that’s what always happens.
Right now, considering all that I have hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles, about the cruelest thing I can think of is being treated like my worries and anxieties don’t matter. It’s almost sadistic to tell me that I’m responsible for what goes on in my head, because quite frankly if I had any measure of control over my brain I would have exercised it long before this point. I would love to be more stable. I’d jump at the chance to live like a “normal” person, to have a regular nine-to-five job and maybe a romantic relationship to worry over. “Real world problems”, some people would call them… the notion seems almost attractive to me. But that’s not who I am. I’m permanently stuck with a mind that constantly teeters on the edge of breaking completely. That’s my “real world”, that’s my reality.
But hey. I guess it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been told repeatedly that my problems aren’t high priority enough.
  • Tasakeru Book IV: Twilight’s Dreaming, Chapter 9: In progress
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  • Shattered Skies: The Morning Lights, Chapter 44: 1 page done

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 19 – Slight Improvement | Tasakeru
  2. Trackback: BHS Blogress Report: 2019, Week 21 – Affiliated | Tasakeru

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